So far I’m having a wonderful time living vicariously through Mike and the gang on their journey Down Under. Deadly snakes and toads aside, it’s still a place I want to visit. Will this episode dissuade me of that notion? Hmm, it’s titled “Journey to Croc Country” and I’m told that “Mike journeys down the Adelaide River to capture one of Australia’s most deadliest creatures: the crocodile. After wrestling the wild crocs into the boat, he helps a scientist pump their stomach and then study their vomit.” Clearly, I have to factor in the notion that wherever Mike goes, trouble follows. This would mean the best vacation I could plan would be far from him and a film crew. Words to live by. Also, I’m happy to report I’m viewing this program on an empty stomach; that should help with all the crocodile vomit I’m about to be exposed to. Let’s roll the tape.
07:00: This opening reminds me that we haven’t seen any kangaroos yet. What’s up with that?
07:01: I’m having a lovely flashback to a family vacation in Florida where we visited an alligator farm. Same kind of reptile. Same kind of “look don’t touch” vibe. Of course, Mike will throw that right out of the window.
07:01: Now if it was me and I was walking into a pen with a 14 foot crocodile and a bucket of dead chickens I’d be asking, “How fast can that croc move versus how fast can I move?”
07:02: Yeah, the minute that croc starts heading my way I’m doing two things: 1) soiling my underwear and 2) running like crazy.
07:03: BTW, love the up-close croc cam. Notice it’s on a very long pole. Coincidence? I think not.
07:04: So just to be clear, Eric is over one ton of an eating machine? Now I know what Captain Hook does his freak out every time a croc comes near.
07:05: “The real reason we’re here is for science.” That spells nothing but trouble.
07:06: It’s nice that the gang didn’t have to travel too far to get into the water to chase crocs.
07:06: WAIT! Did you see that long list of “Warnings?” Could we spend a few moments with that?
07:08: Upon reflection I’m kinda liking this croc approach to life: spend a lethargic day in the shade conversing energy and come out at night to eat. As long as I’m back in time to watch “Iron Chef” sign me up.
07:09: Not for nothing but how come these folks are “regulating the crocodiles to keep the population safe” but they won’t kill those killer snakes? Seems to me that finding a snake in your pantry poses more of a threat than finding a croc in the river especially if you don’t go to the river. I’m just saying.
07:09: As if the croc wasn’t intimidating enough it has blood on its teeth. Really? We get it, dude, if given the chance you’d chomp us in half. Wait til Mike gets a hold of you.
07:10: “We’re going to need a bigger boat.” Anyone? Anyone? Hello?
07:10: So the plan is hook a deadly croc with a barbed pole attached to a rope that is tugging on him. Sure, there’s no problem with this scenario.
07:11: “He’s going to go berserk.” A combination of words you never want to hear when you’ve got a croc hooked.
07:12: Doug didn’t press the on button? Do over.
07:13: Okay, if I happen to make it down to that river of death and get a croc bit that results in a gaping wound, I have to leave that wound gaping. This thing just keeps getting better and better.
07:15: I look at that croc skin and all I see are some really cool boots.
07:16: He who hesitates don’t get the croc on the hook.
07:17: Not for nothing but I’m kinda grooving that hat Mike is rockin’ out. Wonder if he brought that home and if he’ll put it on auction? Or maybe he bought me one for a Christmas present to match my Didgeridoo. Fingers crossed.
07:18: At this point when the sun sets with a croc tied up on the boat I’d be all, “I’m outta here.” Case in point boat: “dead in the water.” Then “fire in boat.” OMG. If I was writing a horror movie I couldn’t write it this scary.
07:20: So this is their job. Color me impressed. It’s the perfect job to have for telling stories at a bar. Not going to get that same kind of excitement as an actuary.
07:21: Now I’m having flashbacks to “JAWS” and not in a good way.
07:22: “Eerie glow of the croc’s eyes.” More words I never want to experience.
07:23: Nice to see that Mike is consistent with screwing up a job down under as he is up here.
07:24: If I was in charge of taping a croc’s mouth shut there wouldn’t be enough tape available in the world.
07:25: Is there an animal alive Mike hasn’t stuck his hand in, down or up?
07:28: I’m guessing a croc tranquilizer is going to be one wild trip.
07:31: If it is known that a croc will eat just about anything do you really have to study their diet? Let me put it this way: if I was writing a paper on a croc’s diet it would go something like this. “They eat anything. Thank you.” This would avoid any possibility of becoming one of those menu items.
07:32: Aren’t you supposed to rub a croc’s belly to make them fall asleep?
07:33: For the record, I don’t think I’ve vomited in over three years. Could be a new record for me.
07:36: So the saltwater croc’s main source of food are crabs. This tells you what nasty creatures they are. Imagine eating an uncooked, squirming crab… shell and all then going: “Hmmm, I think I’ll have another.” Nasty.
07:37: How soon before somebody comes up with the “Saltwater Croc Diet.” Simple plan: don’t eat for three months.
07:38: Remind me to ask Mike what the stomach of a crocodile smells like on your hands after y you’ve shoved your arm down a croc’s gullet.
07:40: OUCH! I did that same thing on my nail a while back opening a can of beans. Never again. What happens if that croc smells blood?
07:41: So he did keep the hat? I’m so going to swipe that.