Already by the title, I’m sensing trouble ahead on this new “Dirty Jobs” episode. “After making the trip out to the city of Sioux Falls in South Dakota, host Mike Rowe joins the crew of Medical Waste Transport Incorporated to work alongside the company’s other employees as a processor of medical waste.” Okay, they really need to get some new writers for these show descriptions. Here’s how I would write this without even seeing the show. “It’s Dirty Jobs. It’s Mike Rowe. It’s medical waste. If you haven’t had dinner yet, count yourself lucky. As for the rest of you, you’ve been warned.” Lets see how close I am to describing this episode. Roll tape:
09:00: “A treasure hunt for infectious materials.” Check please.
09:02: This is a question for all the ladies out there. You’re in a bar, sipping a nice glass of chardonnay when a handsome gentlemen approaches. You strike up a pleasant conversation and ask what he does for a living. He says, “Medical waste transportation.” How fast do you run for the door? I’m guessing the medical waste transportation guys would have a lot of dating luck at a female embalmer convention.
09:03: A family business. That’s nice if you can stop thinking about being surrounded by infectious materials all day.
09:04: So they are sterilizing hazardous materials before it goes into the landfill. In other words they are cleaning the garbage. Is that sort of like cleaning your house before a house cleaner comes over?
09:05: Poor, Mike… couldn’t get a bit from his rumbas reference. Totally been there, bro.
09:06: Seriously, hearing this guy do a rundown of the kind of infectious materials they handle every day is making me wonder why anyone would go in to this business. I’ll answer my own rhetorical question; it’s because it has to be done and these are the heroes that make a civilized society possible. So there. I love it when I start an argument with myself and then win it with my own logic. Of course, there have been times when I’ve been so obstinate with me that I had to just leave and walk around the block to get away from me.
09:06: FYI: I’d wrap myself in armor before starting this job. Short sleeves? Really?
09:07: Ahh, the old mannequin in the hazardous waste barrel gag. That bit never gets old.
09:07: So we’re dealing with a lot of waste from this region. Makes you wonder about all the other waste from more populous places like, oh I don’t know… WHERE I LIVE!!!!!
09:08: Home made barrel washer. See, that’s American ingenuity at work. I really have to learn how to make something that doesn’t involve baked goods. Who am I kidding?
09:09: There goes Mike with his naming again. “Squirting Kermit.” I’ll leave that one just hang there.
09:10: Mike pressing the button on the Miss Piggy thing reminds me of a sci-fi story of a guy who was in charge of all the garbage on a space station. All he had to do is push a button and it was all eliminated. The problem was nobody on the station wanted to talk to him because he worked in “waste.” So he went on a strike and stopped pushing the button. He made some friends really fast!
09:11: All of this button pushing is the perfect job for Mike. Nobody gets hurt. No messes are made. If only they would keep him there.
09:12: Cool, “Star Trek” technology being applied to infectious waste. Love it. I want to live in a smart home I can control by remote.
09:12: Radiation warning? What fresh madness is this?
09:17: Those little numbered bags of bacteria being floated through the machine makes me flash to the Boardwalk at Ocean City, MD and the floating rubber duck game. Pick a duck with the right number and you win a big prized. I don’t know why I flashed to that moment in my past but I learned a long time ago not to question how my mind works. Too scary.
09:18: Auger and hoppers and microwaves, oh my.
09:18: “Miss Piggy is a living creature.” Obviously this is a man who hasn’t watch any of the Terminator movies. Keep talking about machines like that and they’re going to take over. I’ve already got my eye on my blender. Don’t think I don’t know about mixing smoothies in the middle of the night when nobody is looking.
09:19: So Bob has been a hazmat dude all his life.
09:19: WHOA! There was no regulations about hazardous waste that can’t go into the landfill? We are so ruined.
09:25: Mike talks about a tracheotomy. I think I’ve seen enough emergency tracheotomy on TV shows that I think I could perform one. All you need is a penknife, sterilized with whiskey and a ballpoint pen. And of course the knowledge to know exactly where to slice into somebody’s throat without maiming them for life. Other than that I’m good to go.
09:27: Eight tons of medical waste a day! Oh the humanity. What is wrong with you people out there making all this medical waste? Give it a rest.
09:28: No, Mike, don’t drive a dumpster with medical waste! I beg you! Somebody stop him!
09:30: Full Disclosure: Mike tipped me off to this show by sending me this little Medical Waste ditty he sings. I had know idea what he was doing. I just got the song. I instantly made it my ringtone for when he calls. Pretty sweet.
09:32: “90% of medical waste is incinerated releasing a variety of pollutants into the air.” Oh, yeah, let’s not regulate that.
09:36: Didn’t I see that dumpster of medical waste in a “Saw” movie?
09:37: Not for nothing but I don’t know if those dingy yellow backets would be easy to spot in that muck. I think they need to bust out the Bedazzler. Of course, I don’t want to be too big of an armchair quarterback on this one because then they might make me go work there for a day. Not gonna happen.
09:38: I’m glad they are doing all this testing. Good for you, hazmat guys.
09:40: Oh no… Mike is going to dump something. I beg you. Stop him before it’s too late.
09:41: I can promise you with a level of absolute certainy that Mike isn’t retaining any of these instructions for operating the Bobcat.
09:46: “Stay close where I can hear your screams.” He should hear my screams right about now.
09:47: Okay, I tried to warn you people, but you wouldn’t listen. Now you have medical waste everywhere and a ruined Bobcat. Repeat after me. “Don’t. Let. Mike. Operate. Heavy. Machinery.”
09:48: I’m sure these guys are wondering why they invited Mike to their company right about now.
09:50: And so Mike just dumped all that waste and now they hand him a welding torch. What is wrong with these people?
09:54: You would think by now they would have designed a “snap in” version of these bearing things.
09:55: Maybe I should get the un-bleeped version of Mike and the blow torch for my next ringtone.
09:56: Although I will say this, that welding makes for some cool TV.
09:57: Seriously, 1 hour plus to do this maintenance. Somebody should desigen a “snap in” version of these bearing things. Who said that? Oh yeah, it was me.
09:58: Sure the boss shows up for the final removal of the tight fitting bearing. Just like when you try to open a pickle jar for ten minutes then hand it off to someone else and they pop it right off. Yeah. We all know who put the real effort into that pickle jar. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to go have a pickle because by rights, I earned it.
— Meyer
One Comment
9:02 – Speedily.
9:04 – Interesting point.
9:06 – Sheer brilliance.
9:08 – That was very smart.
9:30 – I want that ringtone!
9:47 – Hahaha!
9:50 – I don’t know. But it was fun to watch.
9:55 – Nevermind. I want that ringtone instead.
Fantastic Meyer!